For the Black Sheep
It's the plot of countless holiday movies - successful, creative adult gets singled out as not good enough by their family because they have an unconventional career and are often single. After being worn down Holiday season after Holiday season they just want a break...so they lure someone in faking being their partner, only to fall in love for real and have all of their life tidied up so that next Christmas they can fit all of their families expectations for real.
While this new success usually DOES come from some progress in their dream career instead of finding some more traditional job, and we are meant to see the person they end up with as a kind of soul mate and not just someone they end up with because they are there, the underlying message of these movies seems to be "Conformity - don't knock it till you try it!"
Now, I'm not dissing your favorite holiday romcoms. Sometimes, especially if you're in a compulsive negative thinking loop, it can be helpful to disrupt that with happily ever afters where the struggling hero is finally able to create the life of their dreams.
But societies insistence that a romantic partnership or a certain number in your bank account are representative of your worth , that they are necessary achievements for true happiness, robs you of all of the fun and connection and pleasure this season is supposed to contain.
Life moves at it's own pace, which is much more cyclical than a straight climb. The more risks you take, or the more off the conventional path that your dreams are, the lower those lows can look.
You can't wait for your family to catch up, you have to decide that you love your life, the person you are now, and all the choices that have brought you up to this point without needing their approval.
We waste so much creative energy trying to fit in that we aren't able to play to our strengths - creating new traditions, enhancing everyone's experience with our thoughtfulness. We are always on the defensive, not on the offensive.
I love this tip from a “How to Learn” blog post from 2014 - Which is to kind of tell yourself “What if my family isn't right or wrong, what if they are just interesting.” Your loved ones have had their own experiences, that have lead to their beliefs about what they imagine a good life is, what they imagine to be possible. What if you allowed their opinions to be an expression of their own meandering life path, and not judgements of your own.
My personal twist is to look at the life of the advice giver and internally kind of ask myself if I would be happy if my life looked like theirs. If the answer is no, I simply smile, nod, and let is slide off my back.
It’s kind of like if you are on a road trip to Portland, Oregon, and someone else is like “I know how to get to Portland” and starts giving you directions to Portland, Maine.
It doesn’t matter how deliriously happy someone is in their own life, if I would not be deliriously happy in those circumstances, then that advice isn’t going to help me get to where I want to go.
It’s like if you were taking a trip to Portland, Oregon, and someone said “Hey, I know where Portland is” and started giving you directions to Portland, Maine. There’s nothing wrong with Maine, it’s just not where you’re trying to go.
While we may not be gathering in person this year, cultural and familial pressures persist. 2020 stalled many creative people’s career goals, which may make the feeling that we are far behind where we are “supposed” to be feel sharply painful.
Like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, our creativity can be used to make a wonderful and enriching holiday, filled with beautiful memories, if we give ourselves permission to shine
XOXO,
Allie LaRoe
P.S. Come celebrate your black sheep status this Saturday with our free, livestream mini-set on The Feral Folk Music Facebook Page